Pretty Fly for an Ed Guy
by Crazii Choco
Summary: What happens when three Ed boys finally reach 17? Well, all the things that happen to any 17 year old - experiencing sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll. But here's the question: how will a nutcase, a nervous wreck and a narcissist manage to survive it all?
1. Unexpected Surprises

"I love you, Edd."

"…I love you too."

Marie Kanker lay against the bare chest of her boyfriend, both of his arms wrapped around her. In the pitched blackness of her bedroom all she could do to relate to him was feel him, and the listen to the sound of his soft, crackling voice. There was something different tonight – he was taking longer to reply, and she was sure this was the closest and tightest he'd ever held her. His voice didn't sound tired; if she had to describe the way he was expressing himself, he seemed nervy tonight.

"-Are you okay?"

This time his response was a much quicker one.

"-Yeah, yeah, I'm good. I'm awesome." He smiled at Marie with one corner of his mouth. She wasn't convinced, and his frantically nodding head had nodded one times too many.

"No, you're not."

Marie cupped her right hand sympathetically around Double D's cheek, feeling his pronounced jawline under her skin. His glassy eyes turned to her once again, giving her another sign that she was probably right.

"What's wrong, baby?" she asked. She was beginning to feel agitated herself – she'd always known Double D to be the most nervous guy she'd ever met, but he'd learnt to deal with his anxiety issues quite a while ago; and he never ran away from her anymore like he used to when he was with his weird friends.

"Marie..." he began, his voice now more ruffled and hasty, "…You _know_ I love you-"

His face was now centimetres away from hers again, his breathing pattern moving in a way that was as if he was about to suffer a panic attack. It was so deep, so angry, and his dark eyes signalled as if something deadly serious was about to happen. Marie suddenly got it.

"-Edd…"

She kissed him intensely, and again, and again. Edd's grip became tighter as the two wildly made out under the covers, but this was distressed kissing, trying to hide the elephant in the room. Marie's kisses stung his lips until eventually he had to eject all the words hiding behind them.

"_-I slept with May!" _

He had closed his eyes tight shut in the process of squealing his confession. He couldn't face her. He knew that was the end of it, the end of his time with Marie.

He could no longer feel her breath on his face. He could still feel her lying on him, but he didn't dare open his eyes to see what she was doing or what kind of expression was painted on her face right now.

"…You _slept_ with my sister…"

Double D gulped a great lump down his getting-drier throat.

"…You _had SEX_ with my sister…"

Beads of sweat began to bubble out of the pores on Double D's forehead. He suddenly felt Marie's voice harsh against his face again.

"-_And you think I'm gonna let you get away with that, Edd?_"

Double D winced and squirmed, and couldn't stop as he awaited the force of her palm against his face, or the sound of the door slamming as she got up and walked out. Instead, he felt something unusual going on in the nether-regions.

He opened one eye, and timidly lifted up the blanket to confirm that what was happening was actually happening right this moment. Right now, in real life.

"Marie…?"

Her head popped up from between his legs, and for a moment Double D wondered if he was dreaming. He'd just told his crazy girlfriend that he'd lost his virginity to her sister, and she'd punished him by giving him a blowjob. Her brown eyes twinkled, and she slid the tip of her tongue along with her white teeth, glinting inside of her trademark mischievous grin. Then she opened her mouth, but to say words, not to you-know-what.

"…Let's see how I fuck compared to her."

And with that, she was back down again. Double D was no longer wincing, but now panting, in shock and in pleasure.


	2. THE BAND!

**Hey guys, I'd just like to say thanks to everyone who read the first chapter! I know it was a bit, ermmm (struggling to think of describing words cus I'm pretty tired atm) kinda boring I guess, but trust me it was a bit slapdash and things do get better from here! I'm gonna try and make it a bit funnier and lighter, so tell me what you guys think of CHAPTER 2! ^-^  
**

About 4 and a half hours later, Double D was still encapsulated in a deep sleep of amazing dreams. He was sure that if he saw himself right now, he'd have a massive grin smacked across his face.

Too bad a certain pair of idiots were trying to hammer the trailer door down outside.

"Double D! Double D!"

The bangs and shouts got louder until Double D's blissful bubble fogged over and his visual world became one that was blurred by the mucus in his eyes. As he blinked to clear it he snapped back to reality as he immediately recognized the crude drone of Idiot #1, who also sounded responsible for the banging.

"_Double D! _Stop bonking your girlfriend and get to the door!"

When Idiot #2 started laughing inanely at Idiot #1's remark, and then Idiot #1 joined in and started laughing at himself, you'd have to be Idiot #3 to not realize who was standing outside the door right at that moment.

Double D growled a deep sigh, sat himself up and looked over at Marie. Thankfully she was still asleep, lying face-down on her pillow with her skinny arms out and her blue bob still a mess from what had taken place earlier. Double D wondered if she was dreaming the same dreams that he'd dreamt earlier.

Remembering who'd rudely shattered them, he shifted his ass out of bed and quietly (but in his mind he was the wrath of an oranguatan) stomped out of the bedroom and down the hallway to the door. They were still laughing and acting like general nitwits by the time he burst their bubble.

_"-What are you guys doing here at this time?" _Double D said once he'd opened the door, trying to sound angry but trying to keep his voice low, too. It was then that he realized he didn't actually know what time it was - but it must've been around 6am, due to the hue of blue the sky was currently looking and the angle at which the sun was.

The sun was blocked by a tall figure with greasy ginger hair hanging around his shoulders, spotty features, and the lanky creature was flaunting a grin like he'd just heard the best joke in his life. Too bad that expression seemed to be permanent with him. Basically, he wasn't the smartest thing you've ever seen.

About half a meter in front of him stood a much stockier figure, leaning with one elbow against the thin door-frame and a cigarette hanging loosely between the chubby fingers of his other hand. He had his jet-black sunglasses on again, even though it wasn't the right season, and a long black coat hung awkwardly around his small-but-fat posture. Basically, he looked like a Blues Brother gone terribly wrong.

"Well, check out the lucky bastard right here, huh?" Idiot #1 aka Fail Blues Brother nodded his head at Double D and smirked at his still just-shirt-and-boxers state. Idiot #2 aka Gangly Numskull jeered in the background. Double D had forgot about that too, but that wasn't his main concern.

"-Look, Eddy, Ed, if you just called round here to investigate my romantic life and then take the piss just because neither of you have _significant others-"_

"-Wait, wait, slow down, Doublés-Day.." Eddy interrupted, taking a drag on his cigarette to cover up his embarassing attempt at a French accent, "..If we _were_ here for that reason, we wouldn't take the piss.. me and Edwin here, we're happy that you finally got laid last night."

He blew out his smoke, but right into Double D's face. This just aggravated him even more.

"Eddy!" He spluttered through his coughing, "-I thought you-cough-said you were gonna-cough-QUIT!"

"Well, y'know, smokers smoke for different reasons, DD. Personally I light up because it keeps me chilled."

"Mhm," Double D replied as he waved the remainder of the nicotine cloud away, "so what do you guys really want?"

"The band, Double D!" Ed boomed enthusiastically. Eddy sniggered, but Double D was clueless as to what he was on about.

"..I don't follow, Ed."

"...Remember the days of_ The Sex Pickles_, Double D..?" Eddy took over, taking another puff, "..the days when people actually showed us respect. The days when people actually _liked_ what we did rather than hating on us. The days we actually all agreed on something... and the days we got _real women._"

It took a moment for it all to sink in. And then Double D remembered.

"-Erm, yeah, Eddy, weren't we like, 14? And I'm pretty sure the only concert we had was at Ed's grandparents' 60th anniversary."

Eddy nodded. "Gramps and Grammy Edwin showed us a lot of respect, didn't they, Ed?"

"My grandparents loved watching us be sexy pickles, Double D!" Ed shouted, and Double D decided it was one of the weirdest sentences he'd heard in a while.

"..Okay, but what about the _real women?_ All I recall is Sarah's 10-year-old friends trying to get it on with Eddy."

It was then that it was Double D and Ed's turn to laugh at the 'pimp' who was shifting himself uncomfortably from the doorframe and stubbing his fag out on the ground.

"Shuddup," He muttered, but he sounded more embarassed than threatening, and kept his gaze down to the stub. "They were going all pre-pubescent slutty on you guys as well, remember?"

They did remember, especially Double D, as of course he had the best memory of the three of them; Sarah had invited three of her friends over from elementary school to the anniversary party, and they'd treated them like they were The Beatles, screeching high-pitched girly screams from the back of the crowd throughout the whole performance (who cared, it was the most attention they'd got from any of the female species) and just when they thought it was over the three psychos managed to find their way to the back of the stage and began to cavort behind the boys in ways that were unacceptable for anyone of their age. By this point in Double D's recall, the guys were in stitches.

"-And then the didn't the blond one do the 'call me' signal to you?" Eddy asked, already holding his side.

"HAHA! Yes, I think she did!" Double D replied, wiping a tear from his eye.

It was the first time they'd all laughed together like that in ages. When they'd eventually calmed down and a pleasant silence fell over them, Eddy popped the question he'd came to get an answer for.

"...So, Double D... how about it? How about right now, we get down to Ed's, and we give _The Sex Pickles_ another shot..?"

Double D's mind had gone from devoting himself purely to his girlfriend to being swept away by bromance in just a few minutes. He just couldn't refuse right now.

"...I'll go get dressed and be right back out!"


	3. Boys will be boys

It only took the boys around 10 minutes to get from the trailer park back to Peach Creek - via bus, that was. 10 minutes was enough time for Double D to start feeling guilty for leaving his girlfriend alone despite the fact he'd left a note on his pillow for when she woke up:

_My Sweet Marie,_

_Please don't feel too exasperated, but I've taken a short trip to Ed's house. You know that's not too far away, so I will be back soon - I can't say precisely when, but it'll probably be about 8 o'clock (AM of course, you know I wouldn't leave you until eventide!). Or 8:15. Or 8:30. Or possibly 9. I know you probably won't even be awake by then, but I'm just informing you like all well-mannered boyfriends do. I love you._

_Edd_

He was hoping he would get back before she woke up, especially after what happened last night, but at the same time last night was also a reason for her to let him off this time. Marie didn't really respond well to Ed and Eddy - she thought they had always taken advantage of Double D and 'used his big amount of intelligence to make up for smaller things'. And although he sometimes saw her point, Double D needed time with his imbecilic pals, and it had been nearly a week since the Ed boys last saw each other.

"Guys, check out the ass on that!"

Eddy was gawking out of the window at his latest totty-target as the bus drew into Peach Creek - the other two immediately obeyed the command and joined in to see how she rated on the Ed-hotness scale.

They could only see the back of her, but from behind Eddy was very right - all three guys watched as the tall, tanned wonder clicked down the street in flip-flops, her shiny purple hair swaying in a long ponytail that extended down to her perfectly curvy butt. The shorts she was wearing were quite baggy, but that just made Eddy even hornier. He flipped open the smaller window above him, stuck out his big head and wolf-whistled loudly just as the bus went straight past - and...

"HOLY SHIT THAT'S NOT A CHICK!" Eddy screeched as the 'hottie' flung her middle finger up at them, "THAT'S ROLF!"

Double D and Ed were simply dying in the seat behind him right now. This... now THIS had to be the funniest thing to happen to Eddy in a long, long time.

Too bad it was their turn to get off now, and the driver didn't seem too happy at the racket they were making.

"S'cuse me boys, but do you mahnd not making so much noise while you're journeyin' on this bus?" he drawled grumpily in a southern accent as the Eds made their way down the aisle. Double D and Ed were still struggling to hold in splutters. Eddy muttered "Well, f-huck a'you, mister", mocking the driver's accent under his breath as the three of them jumped out of the bus doors and onto the pavement near the cul-de-sac. Even when the moody driver had veered off the two other Ed boys were still holding their sides, trying not to collapse onto the concrete. Eddy narrowed his eyes at them.

"I could just go home, y'know." He threatened sulkily. But they still wouldn't stop.

Eventually Eddy decided the only way to deal with it was to go along with it. A smirk curved around his lips, his eyes (no longer sunglasses-covered by the way) creased and he started sniggering at himself.

"...Rolf. Just. Wow. Wow..."

A few more seconds, and he asked the question they were probably all wondering due to the hilarious incident but hadn't got round to thinking about yet.

"...Why does he look like a hippie now?"


End file.
